Probably cooler than you.

so.

2008-01-02T06:26:00.001-08:00

i had my first night at waffle house last night.
and it sucked, but not terribly.
because i did just about nothing.
sweet.

Dear Invisible Pink Unicorn,

2007-12-27T03:33:00.000-08:00

Please give us readers.

Absinthe

2007-12-24T02:15:00.000-08:00

While in this state, I almost definitely did not spell this drink right in this title. However, this drink deserves all the credit it could possible acquire. While it was not euro-abinthe that I drank tonight (unfortunately), this "NJ" version still had the mild hallucinogen that this good ol' liquor is known for. By the way, this whole entry is after consuming said liquor. Enjoy...ladies and gents. Oh, and please, please don't taze me, bro.

P.S. Oh Great and Benevolent Spaghetti Monster

2007-12-15T09:31:00.001-08:00

Thank you for pure grain alcohol...and champaign.

Indeed

2007-12-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you so very much for touching the world with your noodly appendage.

Especially the nipple area. It's really very, very nice.

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,

2007-12-14T14:54:00.001-08:00

Thank you for boobs.

A Triumphant Return: For probably 1 post

2007-12-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

I can't in good conscience let this blog die.
Every now and then a good hiatus is healthy.
Some things however capture my attention enough that I just want to share them with the world.
Then I remember I have a blog.

Check this out: It's interesting.

Dear Jesus,

2007-10-10T13:42:00.001-07:00

I'm awesome.

Thanks.

Here's to you.

2007-08-14T21:25:00.001-07:00

Here's to you, Mr. I-ride-my-dirtbike-100-times-past-anywhere-I-see-a-girl-in-a-bikini
-in-hopes-that-I-might-somehow-score guy.

Where would we be without you?

aaaaaaaand the countdown.

3, 2,

.....1fail.

God, I love living in Springfield.

Never Again.

2007-08-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

For those of you wondering where the hell I was for a good two months this summer, I happened to be taking a bit of a "vacation" to the north woods of Michigan. Big mistake.

You see, I went up there to be a camp counselor for the 12-15 year-old age group known as "intermediates". For some reason, I didn't remember just how much of little shits these kids can be.

1. "You're really tall!"
No shit, Sherlock. Not only do I get to experience this phrase coming from the various unimportant women in my life regularly, for some reason, kids can't quite grasp the fact that maybe they haven't hit their growth spurt just yet and one day they'll be able to aim a bit higher than kicking me in the balls with a phrase more common to me than Republicans found on the "D.C. Madam" list.

2. "Can I have two ping-pong paddles and a ball?"
Okay. At this camp, all Intermediate counselors had something called secondary jobs. This means that on top of dealing with all of our own kids' shit, we get to deal with their mothers calling them to make sure they know which way to wear their diapers. After the sixth time I was asked this question, it had progressed from me answering "I don't know, can you?" to simply handing them two ping-pong paddles and a rock. Have fun!

3. "But he started it!"
I don't give a damn if Billy's voice recorder said something about your mother that is probably true to begin with; that does NOT give you an excuse to strangle him with your lanyard. That's my job.

4. "Can I go now? I'm going to be late to class."
Cabin clean-up. No. You may not go to class, because your bed looks like you've been on a Captain D's diet for seven years and decided to shit it all out all over your general area. Clean your shit up.

5. "Play something crunk!"
I had the wonderful privilege of being chosen to provide the "music" for one of the mixers, where our wonderful boys get to experience the first few drips of testosterone make their way through their veins only to be stopped by twelve different kinds of social awkwardness that ruins their chance with every girl at the dance. So, I decided I would make their jobs a bit easier by playing some really quite tasteful music, you know, like Michael Jackson, the Bee Gees, Chicago, even some later 90s stuff. However, for some reason, it didn't groove with the kids because it wasn't "crunk". All right. Last time I checked, "crunk" stood for "crazy drunk", which is what I would have been if I wasn't too busy making sure the emergency laundry was taken care of after Cliff pissed his bed last night.

These are just a few of the wonderful things I got to experience at camp, and just a few of the many reasons why I probably won't be going back.

Now, this isn't to say that there weren't great things about being a counselor, but the whole "rewarding experience, I'm so glad I was a counselor, etc., just simply hasn't quite hit me yet.

The Redbox Overdraw

2007-08-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reason, banks tend to have this stereotype of being sly, ready to pull your pants down to you ankles and give you the old 'in-out'. Why they have this stigma, who knows? I mean, it's not like they charge you thirty-one dollars for each overdraw to your account, no matter how minimal.

Speaking completely hypothetically, of course, if one were to take advantage of the "Free Night Rental" for purchasing any large drink at McDonald's, one would need a credit or debit card. Now let's say this same individual happens to rent this DVD a couple minutes before midnight, and does not bring it back before 7:00 pm the next day. This poor old chap would have a dollar and ten cents charge tagged on, even though he only had the DVD for not even 24 hours. (Let Jack Bauer take care of this one!)

Of course, I have no problem with this system Micky D's has set up; in fact, I really think it's genius: taking advantage of the drive through mentality already in place, now giving out DVDs as well. However, when you get that extra buck charged onto your account, which may happen to be dangerously close to empty, so dangerously close, in fact, that many would say you happen to be "broke", that puts our little hypothetical renter in a bit of a pickle now, doesn't it?

I overdrew my account by one dollar (UNO PESO for our bilingual friends), and I owed my bank $31. Now, of course, I always have to outdo myself, so I made sure I overdrew another dollar, for the second free-rental DVD I got that night. I mean, if you overdraw once, you're irresponsible; you overdraw twice, and you're a man with a plan.

So I make my weekly journey to the bank to deposit a couple pay checks from a couple jobs, and as the girl behind the counter makes the transaction, she speaks those seductive words:
"You know you're negative......right?"
"As a matter of fact, I didn't know, but let's sort this out."
"OK, well after those two checks, your new balance is negative fourteen (some random change)."
"Ah, damn. Well here's fifteen bucks; we good now?"

That my friends, is the magic of Capitalist Banking. They spent maybe a little more than $2.20, and they managed to get about $65 dollars back. It's like dealing with the mob.

I probably would have tried to argue my way out of it, but I really didn't want that little girl behind the counter to have to pull out a baseball bat and break my kneecaps.

Rachel Weisz makes a sexy tree.

2007-06-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Movie Review: "The Fountain", dir. Darren Aronofsky

So, I finally got around to watching "The Fountain" last night, and let me tell you, it was well worth my time. Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz deliver stellar performances in this transcendentalist masterpiece.
The movie weaves in and out of three story lines set in the New World past, American present, and indeterminate (by both time and location) future. The three blend seamlessly together like a complex puzzle, taking moments of heightened intensity to a suspenseful drop by a plotline switch.
The imagery and symbolism in "The Fountain" makes it one of the most visually appealing movies I've seen in, well... probably ever. Each of the story lines carries it's own form of a particular image/symbol, and searching for these is perhaps one of the great joys I derived from watching the movie.
The musical score to the movie matched the movie scene for scene in both intensity and beauty. I'm not sure who arranged it all, but to whomever did, Kudos!
"The Fountain" is one of the few movies to become one of my instant favorites. The story as a whole evoked a sense of awe and beauty that was hard to not feel throughout the film. I'd expect nothing less from the director of Pi.

Oh, I could use this to do so much evil.

2007-06-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

It looks like one of J.K. Rowling's transcript copies for the new Harry Potter book got into the wrong hands before it was edited. I have been wanting to know how the 7th book ends, badly. Not because I'm a Harry Potter fan, but because I want to use that knowledge for evil, driving by enormous lines of fans outside bookstores and reading the ending to them all, hopefully causing a riot.

But yeah, someone apparently got a copy and put it on ytmnd:

Harry Potter Book 7 Spoiler

Easy Free Movies.

2007-06-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Now I, for one, love free stuff. Also, I happen to love movies. So when you combine the two, I get as giddy as a little girl in the Barbie isle at Wal-Mart. Now, this is nothing new, but these sites are always getting taken down, and I just found this one. It's even got movies that have only been in theaters a week or two, in good digital quality, too. Not much of that camera-recorded crap.

myTheater
or if you need to copy and paste:
http://www.mytheater.org/

Pretty Damn Accurate.

2007-05-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

So I stumbled across this the other day, and it's pretty much dead on. Anyone with a job will appreciate it:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

Source

Oprah (play her name backwards on a record, you hear "CUNT")

2007-05-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone here has listened to Oprah's new XM show, but I know I sure haven't. However, a teacher of mine heard about this and was pissed to see the "heroine" of many females at my school is just another reverse racism facilitator.

Oprah, whom people (who give a shit) know came from such humble upbringings, recalled on her show her grandmother, and her wishes for a young Oprah. Basically, her grandma worked for white people, as some sort of maid, and she wanted Oprah to find some "good white folks" to work for, because the "good white folks" apparently gave away good shit.

Well, her grandmother died in the 1960s, so she never even got to see Oprah start off her campaign of "affirmative action"-like racism. Lucky her.

Oprah says how she wishes her grandmother could see her now, and see that she has plenty of "good white folks"...working for her. It was on this note that my opinion of Oprah was officially affirmed.

THIS BITCH IS THE FEMALE AL SHARPTON!

Now, before anyone calls me racist, I will make one thing clear: I am anything but racist. Prejudiced, however, is another story. I AM prejudiced against ignorant people. That's it, and Oprah and Mr. Sharpton fit right into my little target group.

Honestly, I don't think I can formulate any more actual words to describe how this shit makes me feel, just more inflammatory words and a lot of keyboard mashing, so I think I'll leave it at that.

Check out Oprah's XM audio clip, and hear it for yourself.

h-mac dictionary word of the day

2007-05-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry - 1. see Pussy 2. Your mom's performance last night.

Contest

2007-05-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

Find me something more profound than this, and I will buy you a hot dog:

Bach - Violin Partita No. 2, v., Ciaccona

Ellen and Danielle want to add you as a friend/share viruses with you!

2007-05-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

I don't even know why I have a Myspace anymore. It's this kind of shit that just makes me want to make sweet love to a grenade under some dusty old desk in the corner of a nearly vacant museum in Dilworth, Minnesota.

So I arrive home after driving two hours from Cookeville where I just played a wedding this weekend, and I pop open my laptop, and these lovely women have decided to advertise that they want my cock:

Now, this wouldn't be so bad, if there were a snowball's chance in hell that these were ANY of the following:

A) Real girls with two X chromosomes, a vagina, and tits.

B) Sentient beings with a brain bigger than that of a lab rat in a cancer research facility in Jackson, Mississippi.

C) Not about to infect my computer with a virus that will cause my Myspace account to be compromised and therefore send wonderfully useless things to all of the people that I actually happen to give two shits about.

Unfortunately, these two "girls" have dicks. They might not even have dicks. They might just have a hard drive. Tell me something that pisses you off more than this, and I'll show you Rosie O'Donnell smoking a blunt with the lips on her face, instead of between her ass cheeks.

So, those of you who try to prey on guys who haven't had sex in a number of days higher than the times they masturbated yesterday after they heard Scrubs might be renewed, I want you to know that for those of us that actually happen to have some active brain tissue to speak of, we will now be kicking your ass.

Cigar Review: La Unica 200

2007-05-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, well I'm going to start things off with the most recent cigar I've had, a La Unica 200. First off, I have never had a cigar this long (7 inches with a 49 ring). Usually, I try to go for shorter, fatter Torpedoes, rather than longer Churchills. Of course, I think it was the overall look and smell of it that first hooked me. The wrapper was smooth and tight, no signs of peeling. Well, today I went to our local park with a nice cup of iced black coffee and lit it up.

My first impression was how hard it was to draw smoke at first. I'm not a pro, but when it comes to draws, I consider myself adequate in lung power, but this cigar was like a tough one to get rolling. After a few good puffs, I was starting to enjoy it alright, and that kept up for a while (give yourself a little over an hour to enjoy this one). The overall taste wasn't anything to remember, however, and there was somewhat of an unpleasant aftertaste left over, but nothing to really complain about.

Of course, I gotta say, after it got down to maybe 4 or 5 inches, the real flavor of the fillers started to hit me and I started to really appreciate it. For $3.75 a stick and about $57 for a box of 20, it's not a bad deal. I'd have to give this one 2 stars. Good overall taste, just a little too much work on the draw for my preference.